


Touch Not The Cat

by grayspider1974



Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: F/M, this is what happens when you sleep with multiple partners!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:58:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11831136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Ivar Boneless gets a face full of pussy, but not the kind that he wanted!





	Touch Not The Cat

**Author's Note:**

> "Touch Not The Cat But With A Glove" is the motto of Clan Chattan  
> Although not really a Norwegian thing, Finns and Russians have a very long tradition of preserving things (e.g:fruit, mushrooms, and even Peter The Great's collection of deformed fetuses) in vodka...it's a fairly simple process, and tastes better than the artificially flavoured vodkas that are now popular!  
> Pangur Ban is meant to be the ancestor of all Norway Trollcats, and is named after the first cat mentioned by name in European literature.  
> Also, Ivar's biggest problem with women is that he's immature and rude. Someone should have had a talk with him BEFORE he started harassing the help!

"Magrethe....hey....Meggie!" Ivar the Gimp scuttled into the dormitory which housed the thralls that had worked in Mumma's kitchen and laundry before Lagertha had assassinated Ragnar's rightful Queen and set her huge idiot son up as a puppet king. "Hey, I'm sorry I tried to strangle you," he said "and I've brought you a little treat." He had filched a small keg of cherries preserved in vodka and honey from Mumma's chambers along with her jewellry and a bottle of her perfume, but had not been able to do the same with her gowns, and the sight of Astrid the Appalling Androgene prancing about in Mumma's silks and sables was still hard to bear. Ivar stroked the plump, juicy bottom of the girl who lay curled up under the coarse blanket, but Magrethe did not make a sound. For a thrall, she was well fed. "You're right," Ivar said. "Other men can fuck, so fuck them...but only Ivar can be Ivar." After the time that Meggie had been sent to Ivar's bed and utterly humiliated him, his half-brother Bjorn had quietly taken him aside and explained that harassing the help could have painful and humiliating consequences, and then launched into a detailed and graphic discussion of some of the other ways to make a girl happy that had made Ivar feel a little queasy, but while Bjorn was a bit of an idiot and quite possibly the biggest mama's boy in all of Norway, he evidently knew how to please women! Ivar stuck his hand under the blanket, found something soft and furry and stroked it.  
It meowed and bit him.  
"OW, FRIG!" he yelled as something white and fluffy shot out from under the blanket and flew straight at his face. Meggie had had a cat sleeping under her blanket...and not just any cat, not Svartsie fro the kitchens or the fat calico that slept on Helga's hearth, for this was Pangur Ban, the meanest kitty in Kattegat. His half-brother had brought the cat from the shores of Lake Van as a pet for his daughter, and the beast had grown in size and ferocity every year since Ivar had accidentally killed Little Sigi, and was now unmatched in size, ferocity and fluffiness and shared Bjorn's fondness for female company. On the other hand, Pangur Ban hated Ivar with an intensity which suggested that the cat knew what Ivar had done to his mistress and wanted revenge.  
"FUCK YOU, CAT!" Ivar snarled, batting at what felt like a ball of feathers shot through with fish hooks that clung to his face and somehow avoided his fists. He beat a hasty retreat, but missed the steps leading from the porch outside the door and dropped into a patch of thistles that someone had neglected to pull. Eventually, Pangur Ban tore off screeching into the night, and Ivar lay in the weeds, idly wondering if the celibacy practiced by Catholic monks might in fact be an absolutely brilliant idea. Meggie stood over him, munching on vodka cherries. Her expression was one of pity.  
"I don't want to sleep with you," she said "because one of your brothers gave me crab lice."  
Ivar sighed, and then chuckled. "It was probably Sigurd Snake-in-the-Eye", he said "because that idiot can't keep it in his pants any better than Bjorn." He peered up at Meggie. "You're right. Other men can fuck, so fuck them. Only Ivar can be Ivar. Gimme back my cherries!" He guzzled the liquid from the keg despite the fact that it was a bit too sweet for his taste, and ate a handful of the fruit before handing the keg back to Meggie. "If you like 'em, keep 'em. I'm gonna wash up and then go and get completely smashed." He scuttled off, wincing but still somewhat pleased with himself.


End file.
